Writing is my Weed

Today is one of the bad days. When the pain has reached a 10. He's in Kano, or will be, meeting a girl he will undoubtedly fuck before the weekend is out. I haven't eaten anything in two days. And I just had my first glass of water. Now I find myself rifling through his folders, searching for anything that will remind me of him; of the way he used to be.

My Maybelline mascara claims to be waterproof, but it's streaked down my face now. I thought he said he missed me. This is one of those days.

I haven't seen him in more than a month, and the day after we meet and kiss, and - call it what you will- fuck, he flies off to Kano to break my heart again. And I was fool enough to allow him, and to let him, and to hurt that he's not here. Because, you see, it's killing me, this separation from him. It hurts worse every day. And I hear the stories, and he tells them to me again and again.

He's like a sailor.

A girl in every port. A girl in every state. A girl in every damn country he's bloody ever touched down in.

God, when will it stop? When will it end? How is this fair? I never wanted the things he made me do. To turn them around and use them as leverage is hardly right. How can he hate me for what he wanted?

Today is one of the bad days. When the pain reaches a 10. He's in Kano, my love, or will be. I have warned him. I do not want to hear. But I will. And it will cut deeper into me. Maybe if I could see actual blood it would be easier. Because this superficial pain rips as bad as any other.  I understand now why people cut.

I never did before.

I would cut. I probably should. But where? And how? And how deep? Or maybe I just should until I can't feel anything anymore. Until darkness comes, and I will be thankful.

Get out!

Two itty-bitty words, what a punch they pack.

M is for Monster
M is for Molester
M is for Marena

A little over or under a month. That's how long I haven't seen you or heard your voice for. And what a reunion we had. You said you missed my stubbornness; what did I miss?

Maybe I missed you.
Maybe I think about you every day.
Maybe I love you.
Maybe.

And what I'd been trying so hard to tell you for so long, you finally asked me.
"Do you love me?"

And I spoke the truth. "Yes."
Yes, I love you.
Yes, I want you to stay.
Yes, I hope you love me too.

Yes,............ to all the things I wanted for us. For you. I want to make you happy, but I don't know how anymore.

Last night I was full of hopes. I won't lie. And I prayed you would be kind at least, if not loving. And I hoped to God that it would be just us alone and I would get to savor a few precious moments with you. But it wasn't, and they were there. And maybe, for the record, this was your cruelest yet.

Congratulations King of Pain.

…He tried to rape me.

..You tried to fuck a girl.

…Same difference.

Really?

Baby, my love. I was so ashamed. Ashamed for me, and ashamed for you. Ashamed for me that I was powerless. Ashamed for you that he tried to take away your pride. But you were never proud of me, were you? And I was so proud of you. I wanted everything for you. But the pain was so much. It was very hard you see. I’m so sorry I failed. I didn’t meet your expectations did I? But what did you expect? For me not to feel anything? For me not to care? For me to watch you touch her, and kiss her, and do everything we did once, and not feel something? Because you said the same things to me once. You kissed me once, and called me pet names. And one very special night, you watched in awe, and I felt more beautiful than I ever have before. And not for my sake, but for you. For once, it was enough. As long as you were happy, I was content, and unafraid.

I still love you. Even though my friend says I should let go.

It’s so difficult. Every day I say I don’t, I see you or hear your voice or someone talks about you, I remember that I love you. I remember the sound of your breathing in a car on a dark night. I remember the smell of your skin lingering on mine. I remember the way you taste. I remember that your hands are a bit rough, but are so gentle when you want them to be. I remember your weight on top of me, and how much I miss it. I remember listening to your heart beat on a cold morning when I was scared. You put your arm around me then, and said it would be okay. I believed you, and it was. I remember that you were always half-shocked then when I kissed you. It’s only because I kiss you like I want you to kiss me. And I touch you like I want to be touched. I wish I could make love to you the way you make love to me, but I don’t know how yet.

And I make mistakes. I know. I wish to goodness I didn’t.

And you are so strong, and so…..male. It scares and overwhelms, and thrills me at the same time. Mustapha. Your name rolls around my tongue like cotton candy, disappearing as fast as I say it. But it’s like rum, or hot spirits. Fire in my belly. Baby, you’re like that. And I would be so happy to just follow you around in wonder. Like a puppy, I know. But you do that to me, and funny thing is, because you make me feel that way I don’t feel it’s bad.

And if you suggest something, it sounds great. Mustapha. I want to type it
over and over again. It helps this pain you see. Because I have these images of you touching her. You were both naked, and I hated her and loved you at the same time. And the only way I could tell myself it was not a nightmare was to touch her too. And when I felt that she was real, I had to hurt her. I’m sorry if it upset you. I don’t know what you wanted. Me to make love to her too perhaps? With you? Us, together? Maybe I would have if it was just her, somewhere else. Maybe I would have if I found her appealing.

Elwe Singollo, King of Pain

His Queen of Bruises, me.

*Thump**Thump*

Basketball flying through the air. Net ball. He scores! Does he?

When the sun shines we'll shine together
I said that I'll be here forever
You know I'll always be your friend
So you know I'mma stick it out to the end
Now it's raining more than ever
You can stand under my umbrella
You know you can share my umbrella

All of the above is true. I know. But everyday it becomes more obvious that you will never be my friend. I feel it's because of something I did, but how can you hate me for something we did together? Something we wanted together? And now you turn tail. Fucking turncoat. Is it because she resists? She resists because she hates you. I resisted because I was afraid, but surrendered because I loved you.

You know I'll always be your friend, but you scare me all the time now. And I can't talk to you anymore. You never smile anymore. It's just this cold, cold, nothing roiling off you that scares crap out of me. Like it will eat me up and draw me into its nothingness.

Ese lunar que tienes
Cielito lindo

hace correr mi corazon

He says, your friend that I should just leave it. Perhaps it's true. But it's so painful. Yo no se. the pet names stopped. Everything stopped. Now it's all about her. call it what you like. You fucking betrayed me. The both of you.

I must hate you. Or it will kill me. And I want to survive this. I hate you. Fucking whore. The both of you. Whores, all of you. Please save me.

*whispers*

Elwe Singollo, King of Pain
His Queen of Bruises, me

One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small.

How the HELL did this manage to happen?

Primero: Mi cabeza a la oficina esta aqui

Segundo: Todo los muchachos son aqui

Tercero: Todos son embarazando mi prima

Cuartero: A esto momento, ODIO la puta. Mi prima la puta. Mi prima la fucking puta.

In other words. They're all flirting with her, and I.... I .. I am petulant.
Because, she came here and further ruined my already fucked up world. But I am to blame. I swear. I am to blame. I feel the stirrings of murderous tendencies. I swear. And I am shaking at this moment. With bloody fucking rage. Why the fuck are they all fawning over her? I probably should squeeze that pretty little throat until no more air passes. Until the little heart ceases to beat. I like you pretty eyes better blackened.

But the beauty betrays. The beauty betrays because he is such a hypocrite. I cannot hate him, yet. But I would love to love, and nuzzle, and bite until the blood 'gushes' in my mouth. A gusher he would be. Yes, I am sure.

But I promised. That I would not be. But I was. And I broke the promise not of my own accord, but because it was nature. My body, beyond my control. How fucking quaint.

And fucking on cold marble is too. Especially when the floor is covered in blood that gushes. Especially when anyone might see. Especially when you look at yourself and realise in horror how much blood you're covered in. And leave, please do. Because you cannot stand the sight of what you created. Because you cannot stand the sight of what you admitted to.

And so, you push. And you push away. And you hide behind your anger that forces me to hide.

S.L.A.G.I.A.T.T.

That's all I can say to you in apology.

S.L.A.G.I.A.T.T.

Seemed Like A *pardon me - fucking* Good Idea At The Time.

What bloody else can I tell you? It occurred to both of us. And it did seem like a good idea. Driven by your lust as it was. Driven by my.....was it love? No. Categorically now. No. Not lust. *shake head*

So what then?

Curiosity?

Possibly. Yes. I was curious. To know what you felt like without it. To know what you really, truly felt like.

S.L.A.....oh what the fuck?

There was blood everywhere, but I was not surprised. I just hoped it wouldn't last as long as I expected. It didn't. And I was relieved. But I hurt inside. He did this to me. But I let him. I let him because I wanted him to be there, no matter what. And he was. And he hurt me as much as he possibly could for it.

I'm sorry I'm not what you want. That's why you hate me so isn't it? Because I am not her. And I am here, when she can never be. I understand.

I just got back from the doctor. He was appalled. He said if it continues, he will have to make it a police case.

Yes, I have malaria, but that is the tip of the iceberg.
......
I have internal injuries from Saturday.
He says the bite on the bridge of my nose will heal.
I need an ultra sound scan to make sure nothing is worse than it seems.
A swab test will tell us a few things.

It goes on like that.

But I need counselling he says. Therapy I call it. What really is the difference? It's the same talk to the shrink like you're a crazy person business.

..mmmhmmm.... *nods head* ... victim of domestic violence.....*makes notes*.... not in a position to withold sex.... aggressor.... likely in position of power...*more notes*. ..

The point is.. I need a way to break away. Like the doctor said. One day, he will hold a knife to my throat and it will be too late.

One day, it will be too much at once, and one of us will break. It is most likely me. I can already feel my walls cracking.

So Elwe, what happened? Did I make love to you and you not notice? Or was it not painful enough? Maybe I didn't let you hit me hard enough, and so, you sulk. Maybe I didn't cry, and so you felt I wasn't a good girl. Maybe I didn't give you enough. I gave you body and soul.

Elwe Singollo what will you have from me?

Not love. Surely not love. I'll have none of that from thee.

Did you not force him on me? Oh you push too hard darling, but I accept. And every time you hit me, I cried when you looked away. But never to your face. No, never ever to your face. The game would be up you see.

I know he's not in love with me.

Elwe Singollo what will you have from me?

Sex perhaps. But nothing else. I'll have no more from thee.

So, you see. He wants none of that from me.

Elwe Singollo, King of Pain.
His Queen of Bruises, me.

Within, without, no difference make, so long you're hurting me.
Elwe, a thousand times I have been asked, and I swear sorely tried. Why do I love you so they pry. Why never I leave your side?

Enough.

In plain English, I loved you Elwe. I fight it but I still do. You are hurting me. Every day. With everything. I feel so isolated from you, and it's tearing me apart. I know we have done terrible things, but you make that all go away. I'm not afraid when you hold me. I'm not afraid when you are near. And I feel like I can do anything if only you will give your blessing.

And I wish that you had said yes. I wish that you had said it was alright. I wish you had kissed my slowly swelling stomach and said that you wanted us. I wish you had said 'I am here.' Because it would have made all the difference in the world, and I would have been unafraid to try. I wish with all my heart that you felt something. But the truth of your feelings is as obvious as the truth of mine.

But I put on a brave face as I have been told that I must, and cry only in the dead of night. And when morning comes, I forget you and yours, and carry on.

I miss you terribly Mustapha. You never smile at me anymore. You don't laugh like you used to either. What happened dearest? What changed? I still love you, and I wish I could have told you as I wanted to. Not the way you found out. I don't know if it would have changed anything. Stay if you list. I just know my heart. I think I already know yours.

No use mucking about you see. Knew he wasn't meant for me.

I never knew it would be so hard. And that the fear would be so paralyzing. I kept trying to throw him, off, and I just couldn't. He was forcing my legs apart, and I was so afraid. So I bit him. Bit hard, anywhere I could get, until I tasted blood. And still he had his arm wrapped around my neck. And with one hand fingered me. Vile creature.

And I screamed, and screamed, and no one came. And finally, in the doorway I saw Mr. T. But he just looked into my eyes, smiled, and shut the door. I think my screams still came through. But he wouldn't come. And in that moment my heart truly broke. For the final time. And I did not care anymore what happened. And the monster thought he would have his way,but in the end Mr. T came in and pulled him off me. I kicked him in the ribs as he loosened his stranglehold, and gathered my clothes about me.

Still the tears would not come. I dressed hurriedly in case he should come in again, and came out into the parlor where they were all seated. He was there. Elwe. and I hurt because I knew he had heard, and he had not cared. After everything that has happened between us, he still cannot see me as human. Worth saving. So I stood before him in shame, the bite his cousin had given me in retaliation swelling rapidly on my nose. And he said it was not rape.

Who set you as a judge over us?

If he did not try to rape me as he claims, what happened? How could you? How could you believe him and not me? How could you? They all heard me screaming. They all knew. And you, the one who mattered most to me; the one to whom I ran for refuge are judge over, and condemn me.

Fuck you. Who set you as a judge over us? Who set you as a judge over me?

The voices are still there. You did! You did!They whisper as they flit from ear to ear. You did, and you are to blame for this we fear.

My love, my heart, my soul. This body is yours but will be no one else's. And I DO NOT care what he saw me do with you. I am sworn to you, and no one else. I am bloody as hell not his fucking entitlement. Whatever the fuck he might think. Whatever he saw, whatever he wanted, and whatever bitter blood flows in his veins. I will open those same veins and drain him rather than let him touch what is yours.

Or mine.

So, fuck you, cousin of my Elwe. Fuck you to fucking hell for what you did. And in the end, the Devil will destroy your soul.

I hate you.

For your lust.
For your pride.
For everything you think that you stand for.
And above all things, for putting your grubby paws on me.

And I swear, if you ever come near me, or any of mine ever again. I will slit your throat until you gape, smiling from ear to ear. And then, you may have the last laugh.

I am front desk officer today. I suppose that means that I just sit at the reception and look pretty. Get the visitors to state their business. Smile, genuflect. Etc. Whatever. He came last night. It was raining. I was talking about him, and he just stepped into the room. He shook everyone and then hugged me. The world as I had been trying to hold it together fell apart. I followed him downstairs because they were all watching. Every one of them to see what would happen. If I would break, and throw myself at him. If I could bear to leave his side. I didn't even know Namu came with him until I got to the car. I strolled through the rain. He ran. He'd only come to pick something up from Thomas, but he had to make a show in SEG. I like it when it rains, usually. Yesterday, it gave me the blues. He'll be going to Lagos next week. He was supposed to go this weekend. It hurt my heart to hear him say it. I had to ask 'When will you leave?', 'When will you get back?', 'Can I see you?'. But that's all I could ask. Not all I wanted to. I wanted to ask if I could kiss him goodbye. But some one might see. It was rainy and the sky was overcast, and their car was parked in the shade of an agbalumo tree, but he didn't want that.

I am so afraid these days, to incur his anger. So afraid. Not because he yells, and shouts, and pushes me. But because he might take away the one thing that is holding me up, and giving me the will to stand. Himself.

Aren't you………….my little beast-whore………cute?